I Sinned

I sinned…again. I know it. My family knows it. My friends know it. My church knows it. God knows it. I know that God knows it.

It was a huge, ugly, stupid, selfish, no-excuse-for-it, hurtful, Satan-directed sin.

I went to God in my prayer closet and the sin was so large and fresh that it dwarfed all else in our relationship. It was just God and me and my sin.

I tried to pray, but all I could say was “I’m sorry.” After the first time it just rolled off my tongue in a continuous cry “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

I was almost ashamed to stay in His presence. I was too repentant to say anything else, but I was too hopeful and desperate to leave.

I started to say “I didn’t mean to do it,” but realized it would be a lie. I did mean to do it, but I went ahead anyway. I knew it was a sin and I knew what I was doing.

I added “Please forgive me.” Part of my mind understood that He had already done that, but part of me needed to ask again and again. (Is it a waste of time to ask for something you have already been given?)

I wasn’t sure there was any grace still available for me. Had He already dismissed me as a hopeless case? I tried to let myself believe He might someday want to commune with me like we did before the sin.

Finally, I slowly began to realize that God never gives up on me. The Holy Spirit made me aware that God had forgiven me and he would teach me to forgive myself. Only then could I leave my closet and take my place in His kingdom as a beloved child of the King.